what has happened to me?

Finishing up my 1st semester at CCSF, with Architectural courses fulling my childhood interests this fall semester, had exposed a part of me that I never realized....

Today was my last day of class for Arch 99, which was an Architectural fabrication class/shop held three hours every Friday. I enjoyed that class very much because materials were very interesting, stimulating and class size was small and we had fair amounts of individual student-teacher time. Everything I had every asked for in the perfect learning environment. I was very much interested in the material... however...

I lost my personality.

After our final presentations today, people were chatting enthusiastically with each other and talking about plans for their next big step in school, life, etc... I had nobody to talk to. Where did I go? I recalled the whole semester in all my classes and I didn't take the initiative to speak to anyone or try to be friends with anyone. The only time I spoke to was during group work which was mainly about work.

Every Friday, I would come in with my materials and work in my little corner of the room while everyone else chatted, laughed and sorta did work at the same time. I was somewhat concentrated and sometimes annoyed with others being so chatty. Same routine every Friday and look at me now.

Even during my presentations throughout the semester, I felt a disconnect from my classmates, people who have the same interests as me. I used to make people laugh during my presentations, but I seem to have taken my work so serious that it doesn't come through anymore.

Dang. Today was such a bitter sweet moment for me.

Hah.. I always thought that hotels will make me like a robot, but Architecture is very similar.

What a ride

I've been assigned to support/volunteer with the >1 participants on Saturday the 16th at the Marina. I decided that it would be a positive thing to ride my bike to Crissy Field from the Sunset on that morning. I assumed that it would take about an hour to get there and knowing that I would have to be there at 7:30am, I needed to leave the house around 6:15 - 6:30am. The fun part was, I hardly ever visit the Presido or Marina area.

The day prior, I decided to go for a test ride to prepare for my next challenge. I started at 10am since it was past rush hour and traffic would be the closest to that of 6:30am Saturday morning [not really]. I couldn't go as fast as I wanted since major gears 2 and 3 were broken and gear 1, the easiest/slowest/lowest, was the only one working.

I also didn't plan my ride ahead of time, so going with memory and thinking at the spure of the moment was the plan of the day, which worked fine even with all the frustrated phone calls with a friend who didn't give the best directions. My fault really.

I reached the Presidio and there lived a GIANT hill which burned my thighs at the lowest possible gear. I hardly ride on the road with cars, but bike lanes are actually bigger than it looks, so that's a plus for future rides. Lincoln way was an uphill battle with cars zooming past by, but everything seemed balanced somehow. For instance, I wanted to stop but there was a nice view of the bay that kept me sane. The downhill was splendid! Absolutey fast! Yet in the back of my mind, I was thinking that my bike would trip, flip over and crash under a fast moving car. YIKES!

When I finally arrived, it was close to 11:30am which was pretty good considering all the pit stops to the public maps, bathrooms, phone calls, water breaks and wrong turns. I decided to leave as soon as I realized I found the place we were supposed to meet the following day and I also told grandma I was going to be back by 12 since we were having salmon for lunch. YUM! I knew I wasn't going to make it back on time [It was already 11:40am] but it should be faster going home since I know the way now. I was aimming for 12:30pm.

Of course, with all downhill fun, there's always a dreaded never ending uphill going back. I did fine with all the uphills getting to the Marina, but heading back home was a different story. I stopped 2-3 different times, walking my bike up the hill or taking breaks lasting more than 5 minutes. The first stop, I took a 10 minute break because my leg and butt muscles were extremely tired and worn. That hill was killer! Then all the smaller hills after that eventually became killers too! The only thing I wanted to do was to get on flat ground, but that too eventually became a killer. I just wanted to walk.

Rejection... Why? What Do I want?

Note to self:

I cannot please everyone... I am fine the way I am and even if I am not, TOO BAD, b/c I am the only permanent person I will be with for the rest of my life!! My face, my personality, my behavior, my eczema, is everything I need to work with in order to survive in this world. [Of course, certain features has its advantages and disadvantages working with or against me based on societal rules]

Everyone has different likes and dislikes. Even ME! I reject people. People reject me. So on and so forth... It's a wheel of fun and rejection that turns and turns and turns. 

When I do reject, I have my reasons and preferences. So does everyone else....

Then why do I feel so bad when I get rejected even knowing that I reject just as easily? Who knows! Maybe I want everything to be my way or the highway! There's my problem!

Stop with the expectations of people! They don't owe me anything, like how I don't owe anyone anything. Just do the task. If they like me, then they like me. If they don't, then they don't. Move on! Find something else...

But do I have to? 

We all want to be the best right? NO, forget that! Just be happy with what comes natural...

Who cares if we are not the best!? Society cares!! People expect us to do something! How do we know if we've reached our best? Even if we think we've reached our best, we probably want more right??!? RIGHT?!!

We'll never stop searching for that something else if we always want the best. We'll never learn how to settle down and truly enjoy life...

Rejection sucks, but all part of life. Take it easy... 

"Socially Awkward", as my title... again? I'm not sure...

I tried to remember whether or not I already created a journal entry that talked about my social awkwardness, but I'm really unsure if I wrote it here, somewhere else or just felt it. I don't want to browse my old entries since it's a lot from 2004!! Xanga is getting better tho. You can actually vote for features that may help our surfing better. I voted for an option to list all previous entries on a page. 

So my recent social awkwardness happened at the volunteer site [The Center] I went to yesterday [Monday]. I was instructed to help out with the mailing and thought it would be normal with no worries. There were six other people in the same room and they talked about things I had no idea how to respond to.

I felt more and more awkward. The people sitting next to me wanted me to talk since I got quiet after a while but I didn't know what else to say. That was even more awkward. This girl was sarcastic and told me, "You talk too much!!! You need to slow it down!" hahaha. cleaver...

Everyone seemed to get closer to each other while I drifted further and further away. They were nice anyways.

Lol. Same ole me.

Dog Owners: PICK UP AFTER YOUR DOG!

My biggest problem with some dog owners is that some think it is okay to leave their dog feces around on someone else's property. I'm sure we've all seen it before. We are walking down the street and we suddenly jump to avoid a near miss on some dog's collection of meals from days or hours ago. 

I don't know what these dog owners are thinking since I don't own a dog, but to others like myself, I feel disrespected when some of these dog owners knowingly leave their dog feces behind on property that is not theirs. Even if it is a public area, like a park, people will not like dog feces in scenaries meant for enjoyment. 

Are these dog owners thinking that it is not their problem what their dog does?

This lady, in a business suit, was walking her dog and circling around my block a few times. I've seen her before, because she lives a few blocks from my house and I had an idea of what she was up to. So I went outside for a little walk and returned a short few minutes later to find the lady and her dog walking away from my house. I got to the front yard and saw fresh feces on my lawn.

I was surprised and I yelped, "ewwww". Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her turn around to look at me for a brief second and then headed in the opposite direction as fast as she could, jaywalking to exit the scene faster.

I was mad. I wanted to throw these feces at her house and rub them in her face, because I felt disrespected and she knew it. I lost all respect for her from that moment on. She will no longer be seen as human whenever I see her unless she apologizes, which I think is highly unlikely.  

Dog owners should be held responsible for all actions of their dog, otherwise, don't get a dog! Picking up after your dog is a major responsibility that no one wants to do for you! Treat your dog as if he/she really is part of the family as some may claim. Take care of your dog!!!!!!

Has anyone experienced something similar? Did you ever feel disrespected as a result of someone else's irresponsibility?